The Top Pieces of Advice Couples Therapists Tell Their Clients.

The idea of taking the plunge into couples therapy can be terrifying. Can you really work up the courage to dissect your most important relationship in front of a stranger? What if you break down into Piper Chapman-level hysterics? Does even needing to go in the first place automatically mean you're headed for Splitsville? To save you a trip, we got the inside scoop from therapists on what advice they find themselves repeating most often. Now you can cash in on their wisdom, no copay necessary. (And even if you do end up spilling details of your relationship to a couples therapist, no worries: It's actually pretty great.)



Don't just go with the flow

DON'T JUST GO WITH THE FLOW

“Because of our tech-bombarded, over-scheduled, warp-speed times, it’s probably never been more challenging to be married than it is today. I know from my own marriage and from those of my clients that if we just go with the flow, it will eventually lead us away from each other. Couples who are consistently satisfied with their relationship learn how to create their own flow, and the first step involves protecting their time together so that they can nurture their emotional and sexual connection. We tell our clients you can either keep doing what comes naturally and continue to get swept away, or you can learn the relationship skill set that will lead you back into healthy, balanced connection.” —Bill Bercaw, Psy.D., co-author of From the Living Room to the Bedroom: The Modern Couples Guide to Sexual Abundance and Lasting Intimacy



What causes your fights

PAY ATTENTION TO THE ISSUES THAT COME UP AGAIN AND AGAIN

"Couples usually have slightly different variations of the same fight over and over. It may have to do with an attempt to heal old wounds, often from their families of origin. Couples unconsciously repeat old patterns as a way to cling to the familiar while at the same time hoping that it will turn out differently this time and they will be delivered from the pain. Once you start seeing and understanding the pattern, an opportunity for real healing and growth can occur in your relationship. I also often tell clients that creating a strong connection to your partner doesn't happen in a dramatic crescendo like in the movies. Healthy couples have daily acts and small moments of letting one another into their internal worlds." —Beverley Hills psychologist Ryan Janis, Psy.D.Vide





Closeness and intimacy

YOU NEED CLOSENESS AND INTIMACY

"The words 'closeness' and 'intimacy' are often used interchangeably, but they are quite different. Closeness is about comfort. It's low-risk, low anxiety, predictable, familiar. Closeness is necessary in all relationships, however, closeness without intimacy is simply a relationship that has an unspoken contract to just die together. Intimacy is about risk-taking, newness, unpredictability, spontaneity, and high anxiety. Intimacy means you have a relationship with your partner; closeness means you have a relationship with your thoughts of your partner. All intimacy and no closeness is impossible to sustain, but there needs to be a mix of the two." —Tom Murray, Ph.D., marriage and family therapist



Put compassion first

PUT COMPASSION FIRST

"Couples will inevitably have disagreements and sometimes even inadvertently cause each other pain. When this happens, it is important to keep in mind that it is not the rupture, but the repair that matters. If couples learn to approach one another with empathy and compassion, it can help to overcome a temporary loss of connectedness and potentially strengthen the relationship. The process of engaging your partner and making the effort to truly repair the relationship helps build bridges that will strengthen the relationship in the long run." —Faith Szalay, Psy.D.

Use anger to make your relationship better

USE ANGER TO MAKE YOUR RELATIONSHIP BETTER

"The number one thing I tell clients is to get mileage out of your anger and use it to make positive changes instead of allowing it to create difficulties in your relationship or your life. When you get angry, ask yourself what's wrong, what needs to be changed, and what steps you can take to make those changes. Don't just stay angry at the other person or the situation because that's not constructive—it will only keep you stuck." —Jane Greer, Ph.D., author of What About Me? Stop Selfishness From Ruining Your Relationship





Give your partner some grace

YOU CAN ALWAYS GIVE YOUR PARTNER SOME GRACE

"If there's one thing that truly distinguishes thriving coupleships, it's each partner's ability to extend grace to the other. Grace allows us to accept ourselves and our partner as human beings, who, despite our best intentions, are fallible and imperfect. It allows us to look beyond undesirable outcomes and to see the imperfect human being who could use a hug or kind words instead of a look of scorn. While this comes naturally for some, it is something that can be learned, as well. So rather than coming down hard on your partner, like, 'How could he be so stupid?' or 'We wouldn't be having this problem if only he wouldn't have done that,' it's always your option to extend grace instead."—Ginger Bercaw, Psy.D., co-author of From the Living Room to the Bedroom: The Modern Couples Guide to Sexual Abundance and Lasting Intimacy

Prioritize yourself for a better sex life

PRIORITIZE YOURSELF FOR A BETTER SEX LIFE

"I see a lot of couples in my practice that used to experience a much higher degree of sexual interest and excitement for their partner, and they are concerned that something may be terribly wrong because they no longer feel this way. One of the most crucial parts of rekindling a sex life is making time for oneself. Create opportunity for quiet and the practice of mindfulness by yourself. While the goal for most is to have more sexual closeness with their partner, this can really only be achieved through more focus on oneself. Some people may be hormonally more driven to pursue sex, by themselves or with their partner, but in my experience the majority of people need to remember to nourish themselves first. Part of that nourishment includes a positive focus on one’s body’s needs and wants and cultivating a level of personal comfort and acceptance with your body." —Clinical psychologist Ursula Ofman, Psy.D.

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Properly communicate about tough issues

GIVE TOUGH TALKS THE TIME AND ATTENTION THEY DESERVE

"Learn how to slow things down in communicating about tough issues—give the 'hot button issues' the care and attention they deserve by selecting the time, place, and how you talk about them wisely. Always know that taking a timeout in case of overheating is allowed. Just make sure you come back and take responsibility for resuming the discussion or scheduling it for another time if you judge you need the time to recuperate. As for a good time and place? No kids, no friends, no distractions, no phones, not while driving, and not in bed at the end of the day when you're exhausted. Face to face in a quiet location where you can hear each other and stay attuned to your own thoughts and feelings in the process is best." —Clinical psychologist Scott Hartman, Ph.D